So last year, I decided to stop talking to a really good friend because he consistently took me for granted. Let me explain a little more; when we were in high school I always tried to help him out. Whether it was emotionally, physically, mentally, literally any way someone could help out a friend. So every time he either took advantage of me or just took me for granted it took a piece of me too. So when I completely cut him off it killed me a little. While he was a horrible friend, our friendship was one that I would never forget. We got along in a fantastic way that could never compare to the way other friends and I have gotten along.
So fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I'm sitting in my room and he pops into my head. Extremely random and unexpected but it hurt my heart because I started to realize that I missed him. I missed our friendship and the conversations we had when it was just the two of us, but because of other influences he turned into a complete douchebag that didn’t care for anyone else but his friends and his dick. Before he gave into their shitty ways he was a sweetheart who asked me how I was doing and who actually cared enough to listen to my response. After they started hanging out more though, he started caring more about checking out other girls and only talking to me about how much he wanted to sleep with them because (and I quote from one conversation) “Her ass looks good enough to eat” super gross, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him so much.
So fast forward again to about 3 days later, I’m leaving walmart and I’m freaking out because I can’t remember where I parked. So while I’m pressing the lock button and struggling to both focus on steering the cart and listen for the softest horn in the world, in my periphreal vision I see three guys walking towards the store. “Hi Sydney,” I hear and in an instant I recognized the voice. My heart literally leapt into my throat and as I looked up I saw the guy who used to be one of my best friends smiling sweetly at me as we passed each other by. I obviously smiled and returned the greeting with one of my own but that was it. We walked past each other like nothing and that was it. Afterwards, I sat in my car on the verge of tears because I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was extremely overwhelmed by such a simple exchange that I just stopped all of my emotions until I was in my room alone.
I decided that it was a sign. The fact that he had randomly popped into my head days before I accidentally ran into him while leaving a store is weird, but evidence enough for me to think things over. That day I sent him a message explaining that I forgave him (more for my peace of mind) and that if he wanted to we could hang out again.
Which brings us to today. We’ve been speaking again and I love it but I can tell he’s still in this “fuckboy” headspace that I don’t necessarily enjoy. However, because I enjoy him as a human being I am going to give him the chance to maybe revert to the person I’ve always known him as. We hung out once with our other friend, R, but was forced to leave early for work, so it ended up just being R and I hanging out like usual. I’m still not sure if I can trust him completely yet and the only reason I question it is because one of the first questions he asked me was “have you seen Jerry’s (my ex) new girlfriend?” which raised like 10 red flags. Jerry is his “best friend” and one of the people that turned him into the heartless shitty person I erased from my life, and I think everyone knows that someone’s true intentions aren’t good if that is one of the first things they ask you after a year of not speaking to one another. I want to trust and believe him, but I don’t know if I can do that just yet.
Maybe more time is what he needs, but for now all I know is that I’m going to give him a chance. Will it be a good decision? I don’t know yet.
When I started writing this it was supposed to be random thoughts currently in my mind but it turned into a Paramore appreciation post… (Sorry not sorry) I still have tons of thoughts but we can save those for another time. Hope you enjoy my rambling.
I think time is complete bullshit. It is a concept made up by humans that is different depending on where you are in the world. So, for instance, my marine friend whom is currently in Japan is technically in the future.
W H A T D O Y O U M E A N
I just have too much time on my hands at the moment so my mind is running wild. After all my ex drama, I’m kind of tired of existing. I was reading a new Hayley Williams interview she did with The Fader and in it she talks about how she’s been struggling with depression in the years since Self-Titledand it really caught me off-guard because it made me realize that I tend to feel this way a lot. In the article Hayley says, “…there wasn’t a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel. I thought, I just wish everything would stop. It wasn’t in the sense of, I’m going to take my life. It was just hopelessness. Like, What’s the point?”
When I read this I wanted to cry. I knew that something was wrong with me mentally, but I unfortunately don’t have enough money to go see a therapist so I‘ve never had confirmation that what I was feeling was actual depression. I can say that everything she said she felt (or feels) is how I feel and because it was someone I so greatly admire that accurately explained everything I feel, it hit me like a train. I wish more than ever that I could see a professional because for some reason I feel like I can’t talk to my family members or friends about these feelings because I care more about the way it might affect them. When Hard Times by Paramore came out, I was in tears. Not because I was excited (which I was) but mostly because it was everything I feel. I loved it and because it showed me that I’m not the only person that has these thoughts, it healed me a little. I love Paramore, but something about After Laughter made me love and appreciate them more. I don’t know if it was the fact that it showed how human these beautiful and creative people are or if it was because each song in After Laughter heals me a little more every time I listen to it. From Hard Times to Tell Me How, I can say that it truly resonated with me on a deep level and I have to thank Paramore for that. Because of you three… Taylor, Hayley, and Zac… I feel heard and understood for the first time in my life.
